Subject: Self-Introduction
Dear Professor Blackstone,
My name is Alicia Goh, and I
am writing to you to introduce myself as a student in your effective
communication class. I graduated from Temasek Polytechnic with a diploma in
Integrated Facility Management (IFM). Although
my diploma consists of various aspects such as business, design, and engineering,
the core of my diploma is still mainly engineering. Thus, I enrolled in Sustainable Infrastructure Engineering (Building Services) in Singapore
Institute of Technology (SIT).
I have a great interest in
mathematics at a young age, and the reason why I choose an engineering diploma
is that it allows me to extend my knowledge in mathematics by applying the theories
I learned within the curriculum to real application problems. Engineering is
the application of science and mathematics to develop solutions to technical
problems. Therefore, I hope to deepen my technical knowledge of engineering so
that I can further enhance my technical competencies for the industry.
My strength is being clear
and concise when delivering messages to others. I like to go straight to the point when
communicating my ideas or messages to the audience, as people will be
self-assured when they understand what exactly they need to do and why they are
doing it. When a person is writing an email or a report, concise writing will help
to capture the reader’s attention and have an impact on the reader.
My weakness is having
difficulty to present my ideas confidently to the public or a large crowd as I
tend to speak faster when I am nervous. Therefore, it is difficult for the
audience to understand the importance of my topic.
My goals in this module are
to be more confident in public speaking and improve my articulation of words. By doing so, I think I can speak effectively to the audience with proper English so that they can understand the message that I am trying to convey.
I hope to further refine on
my English and I look forward to improving on my effective communication skills from
you in the upcoming classes.
Best regards,
Alicia Goh
SIE2016 Group 5
Edited on 19/9/19
Sammy
Tiara
Jocelyn
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteDear Alicia,
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this letter. You've followed the model presented in class and produced a letter that addresses all the task requirements with quite a bit of detail and good clarity. I really appreciate your explanation of the genesis of your interest in the field of engineering field.
In terms of language use, you need to review the following:
1. verb tense (and use of caps)
-- I have a great interest in Mathematics at a young age, and the reason why I choose an engineering diploma is ... > ?
-- My weakness is having difficulty to present my ideas confidently to the public or large crowd as I tend to speak faster when I am nervous. Therefore, it will be difficult ... > (tense)
My weakness is having difficulty to present my ideas confidently to the public or large crowd as I tend to speak faster when I am nervous. Therefore, it can be/is difficult...
2. collocations (words that are connected in meaning)
-- delivering messages across to others. > delivering messages to others.
-- improve on my articulation > improve my articulation
3. perspective
-- When you are writing an email or a report, concise writing will help to capture the reader’s attention and have an impact on the reader. >
When a person is writing an email or a report, concise writing will help to capture the reader’s attention and have an impact on the reader.
These are just a few ways to improve this letter. Let's see what your other commentators have to add.
I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Prof, thank you for the constructive feedback. I have make the changes to my formal letter and try to learn as much from you in class to improve on my effective communication skills.
DeleteHi Alicia! Good explanations to all of your points. Contents are also concise and well-elaborated. These are some points that I identify in your writing:
ReplyDelete-“I am writing to you to introduce myself to you as a student”
[Since you have mentioned "to you" after the word writing, I think that the "to you" after myself is redundant as u are referring to the same person]
-"reason why I choose an engineering diploma is that it allows me to extend my knowledge in mathematics by applying the theories we learned within"
[Wrong use of pronoun "we" as you mentioned “I”, “my”, “me” in your sentence]
-"My goals in this module are to be more confident in public speaking and improve on my articulation of words so that I can speak effectively to the audience with proper English and they can understand what I am trying to convey"
[You can try simplifying the sentence, to make it easier to understand as it is quite lengthy]
Overall, loved your writing! Looking forward to learn with you in class so as to achieve our goal together! :)
Hi Tiara, thanks for the feedback. I have read the comments and make the changes accordingly.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Alicia, your content is concise well-elaborated. However, I feel that there are some points that I identified. I apologize if I am wrong.
ReplyDelete1. “…such as business, design, and engineering, the core of our diploma is still mainly engineering.”
[ could use ‘my’ instead of our as from the previous part u mention ‘my’]
2. “My weakness is having difficulty to present my ideas confidently to the public or large crowd as I tend to speak faster when I am nervous. “
[large crowds instead of large crowd]
Overall, I think your letter is well-written
Hi Jocelyn, thanks for the positive comments and constructive feedback. I have make the changes to some of the sentences that you have pointed out.
DeleteHello, thanks for being open and sharing more about yourself. Commenting here because...
ReplyDelete1. [...I am writing to you to introduce myself to you...]
- The second "to you" is not necessary as you already referred to the reader the first time.
2. [Although my diploma consists of various aspects such as business, design, and engineering, the core of our diploma is still mainly engineering.]
- The usage of "our" suggests that you are introducing your course as a group.
3. [...I choose an engineering diploma is that it allows me to extend my knowledge in mathematics by applying the theories we learned within the curriculum to real application problems.]
- The usage of "we" is not inline with the personal nature of the sharing.
4. [When you are writing an email or a report...]
- Using "you" suggests that you are referring to the reader rather than yourself conveying what you believe in.
5. [... to the public or large crowd as I tend to speak faster when I am nervous.]
- "a large crowd" or "large crowds"
6. [My goals in this module are to be more confident in public speaking and improve on my articulation of words so that I can speak effectively to the audience with proper English and they can understand what I am trying to convey.]
- I think "...so that they can understand..." should be used as it is an effect that you want to cause as a result of being more confident and articulate.
Take it with a pinch of salt or 500g of it if I am wrong, haha.
Hi Sammy, thanks for the constructive feedback. Appreciate the effort you made to read and give me useful feedback. I have make the changes accordingly.
Delete